One woman's story about discovering her husband's pornography use

This is an excerpt from our discussion board at http://discuss.wisechoice.net

Hello all,

I'm new here...and in a lot of pain. :

I discovered in December that my husband was looking at porn on the internet. He said he felt ashamed and was very sorry he hurt me. I was devastated because if you knew my husband, you would think he was the last man on earth who would do that. He was (or so I thought) such a moral and upstanding person in every way. For the first time in my life, I thought I could truly trust a man in that area. Boy was I wrong!

He admitted to nothing, (except what he couldn't deny cos I saw it) He alternated between being sorry and then deflecting the blame onto me... 'what about what youve done wrong etc etc...'. Then he just got really angry that i hacked into his computer to see what he was up to. (He had a password on his computer) He was more angry about that than hurting me in the end. But I love him and so I decided to trust again, although he didn't give me much reason to.. I thought it was better for me that way. We had some massive arguments about it. Then I let it go.

I have been away a number of times since then, he's had plenty of opportunity and i always wondered... but didnt want to go there. But lately he'd been acting strange again. He would turn the computer screens off as soon as i walked in the room. He LOOKED guilty. He was on the Internet a couple of nights ago but when i checked the browsing history, there was nothing. He is using in Privacy mode... so nothing is tracked but IP addresses. Well, there were some IP addresses in his history. Also, the last time I caught him, there were jpgs in the history along with the cookies... this time there is only cookies, and none were porn sites. So he was in Private browsing mode.

I KNOW he is doing it again. I confronted him last night and he looked at me wide eyed. Didn't respond straight away... said nothing as i said over and over... 'I know you're looking at porn again'.
He is an IT specialist so probably thought he covered his tracks pretty well. I am disgusted that this is all i am to him. He didn't deny it.

I am so hurt that when he saw how much he hurt and betrayed me and all the tears that last time, that all he does is get sneakier. He seems to think if I don't know, it won't hurt or that it's HIS right... I don't know.

After the initial stunned, guilty silence... he started getting really angry. He got furious then left... came back later and took his computer. Told me i was never to touch his Sh** again. NO remorse.... all about HIM. He used aggression and anger to silence me and then turned it all on me because he is starting a new job on Monday and said he didnt need this now, he needed support, that he's moving out etc etc.

Bad timing, I know... but I'M NOT the one who's done anything wrong!!! I can't beleive it!!

He stayed out last night. Didn't come home.

I know that this needs to be sorted out. But I don't know if he wants to give it up. He lies, denies, shifts blame and admits to nothing. He is so angry at me right now and I'm the one who should be angry at him!! I can't do this again unless he gets help or does something. He doesn't seem to care whether I trust him or not now. Most of the time he is the most wonderful husband in the world and I thought he really loved me. But If I give him an ultimatum, I am scared he will choose the porn.... I thought we had such a great marriage.

I'm devastated.... :-(

About Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Where was her husband while she was in the hospital giving birth?

"I was in the hospital in labor. where was my husband? He said that he was coming"..these were the desperate thoughts of a mother in labor wondering where her husband was. Had he been in a car wreck or some other tragedy. "where was he?"

After the birth (without the husband) and Mother and child returned home she was sitting with a friend who told her that she had a feeling....the two of them went over to the family computer and the friend hit the keys Ctrl H which brought up the history of where the computer had been surfing to. To the horror of the new mom, she found out that during the entire time that she had been in labor that he had been back at the house, not taking her calls, gorging on internet pornography.

To suggest that she was heart broken wouldn't begin to cover the range of emotions. Rage, betrayal, hurt, abandonment....fill in the blank. Her first response was to demand that he get out of the house and that she wanted a divorce. As they had been married for several years and already had children she cooled off somewhat and she told him that they were going to get counseling and that he was going to put a filter on his computer with a accountability feature that would allow her to see where he was surfing in a place that could not be erased. If he was unwilling then he could get out!

This is where I came in and heard the story. She called me at Wisechoice.net, my filtering company and we talked for a long time. Ultimately they did go to counseling and they did install the filter on the computer to prevent access to the porn sites as well as the feature that shed light on what he was doing.

Once again, the power of internet porn was so great that this otherwise devoted husband exchanged being at the birth of their new child for a pile of garbage. He nearly lost his marriage, his kids and of course his reputation was going to be lost as well.

So far so good, it appears that they are holding this marriage together but it has been hard word work requiring forgiveness. The loss of trust between he and his wife may never be recovered.

If porn is being used in your house there are ways to deal with it...let me know and I will be happy to discuss it.

about the author Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

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