One woman's story about discovering her husband's pornography use

This is an excerpt from our discussion board at http://discuss.wisechoice.net

Hello all,

I'm new here...and in a lot of pain. :

I discovered in December that my husband was looking at porn on the internet. He said he felt ashamed and was very sorry he hurt me. I was devastated because if you knew my husband, you would think he was the last man on earth who would do that. He was (or so I thought) such a moral and upstanding person in every way. For the first time in my life, I thought I could truly trust a man in that area. Boy was I wrong!

He admitted to nothing, (except what he couldn't deny cos I saw it) He alternated between being sorry and then deflecting the blame onto me... 'what about what youve done wrong etc etc...'. Then he just got really angry that i hacked into his computer to see what he was up to. (He had a password on his computer) He was more angry about that than hurting me in the end. But I love him and so I decided to trust again, although he didn't give me much reason to.. I thought it was better for me that way. We had some massive arguments about it. Then I let it go.

I have been away a number of times since then, he's had plenty of opportunity and i always wondered... but didnt want to go there. But lately he'd been acting strange again. He would turn the computer screens off as soon as i walked in the room. He LOOKED guilty. He was on the Internet a couple of nights ago but when i checked the browsing history, there was nothing. He is using in Privacy mode... so nothing is tracked but IP addresses. Well, there were some IP addresses in his history. Also, the last time I caught him, there were jpgs in the history along with the cookies... this time there is only cookies, and none were porn sites. So he was in Private browsing mode.

I KNOW he is doing it again. I confronted him last night and he looked at me wide eyed. Didn't respond straight away... said nothing as i said over and over... 'I know you're looking at porn again'.
He is an IT specialist so probably thought he covered his tracks pretty well. I am disgusted that this is all i am to him. He didn't deny it.

I am so hurt that when he saw how much he hurt and betrayed me and all the tears that last time, that all he does is get sneakier. He seems to think if I don't know, it won't hurt or that it's HIS right... I don't know.

After the initial stunned, guilty silence... he started getting really angry. He got furious then left... came back later and took his computer. Told me i was never to touch his Sh** again. NO remorse.... all about HIM. He used aggression and anger to silence me and then turned it all on me because he is starting a new job on Monday and said he didnt need this now, he needed support, that he's moving out etc etc.

Bad timing, I know... but I'M NOT the one who's done anything wrong!!! I can't beleive it!!

He stayed out last night. Didn't come home.

I know that this needs to be sorted out. But I don't know if he wants to give it up. He lies, denies, shifts blame and admits to nothing. He is so angry at me right now and I'm the one who should be angry at him!! I can't do this again unless he gets help or does something. He doesn't seem to care whether I trust him or not now. Most of the time he is the most wonderful husband in the world and I thought he really loved me. But If I give him an ultimatum, I am scared he will choose the porn.... I thought we had such a great marriage.

I'm devastated.... :-(

About Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Rape her for her attitude

Earlier this month columnist  Naomi Wolfe of New York Magazine wrote an artice entiltled

The Porn Myth

In the end, porn doesn't whet men's appetites—it turns them off the real thing.

Ms. Wolf continue to outline some of the effects of internet porn on men and their desires toward women. The fact that internet porn is wildly addicting is well known. Studies indicate that the same areas of the brain aere stimulated by porn as by crack cocaine and that the addiction can be almost immediate.

 

Another assertion is that internet porn has developed behaviors in men that are completely deviant in their nature. The general availability of porn as caused men to bring sexual practices home to the wives that are insane. The use of bottles, machines, animals, sado masochistic behaviors such as whipping and bondage. The worst of these is the crazed idea that virtual rape is somehow OK.

 

What is not debatable is that the level of sexual crime includng pedopelia, abduction of teenagers and children through chatroom liasons has skyrocketed. The incidence of rape has also exploded largely, in my opinion, due to the easy availability of violent sex content on porn sites.

 

I was reading the comments following Ms. Wolfe's article and noticed one by a person identified only as BRS. His coments is as follows:

 

" I can't wait to find you, rape you in the ass and then make you taste your own shit. You are going to love it, you little whore."

 

That this cowardly pervert posted this in a public arena is mind boggling in itself, but the rage that is shown to the author and her article is insane. I would hope that law enforcement is already tracking this man down.

 

Internet porn has a way of triggering hidden flaws in our psyches that we never knew were there. The program "to Catch a Predator" invariably showed the the perpretrators as saying that they didn't know what came over them. Even as the child of an alcoholic has the predisposition to alcoholism he will never be an alcoholic if he never drinks. Once he takes a drink then the trigger is pulled and he may descend into alcohol addiction.

 

The same with sexual disorders, a man may never know he has a hidden sexual appetite for children until he stumbles onto a child porn site, the same for violent sex. Even those who were heterosexual found that they had storng homosexual impulses only after they first saw graphic homosexual porn.

 

The European Union is in a furor today about the unlikely possibility that online porn will be outlawed. The detractors of this idea are screaming freedom of speech yet the reality is that they are afraid to lose the fuel for their addictions. We should do all of our nations a favor and outlaw pornography for the madness that it is.

Porn proof!

Many of my readers know me but most don't know that I was very nearly taken down by internet pornography. I could have been described as "downright upright" at least in my own eyes! Married to a wonderful, beautiful woman, two fine sons, a great business and reputation and a straight up Christian. Most people including me would have said that I was" porn proof"-not.

A number of years ago as I was entering the world of the internet I had heard that internet porn was really shocking. My personality type has always been one to engage an issue and work for change. I had been active back when I was a student in the Vietnam days and active again as a pro lifer as a Christian and had been effective. Well why not internet porn..let's just stamp it out! So I went to a porn site to see what the deal was...I was stunned, flabbergasted at what I saw and little did I know but a the trigger to a character flaw that I knew nothing about had been triggered.

I turned off the computer ,went home and the next day went back for more "research" then more research  and within three days I was spending hours consuming and consumed by internet pornography. It was free, it was anonymous and it owned me as fast as crack cocaine. I was in serious trouble and way out of my depth.

This went on for several weeks, hours spent after the office closed, guilt when I was talking to God and fear if anyone found out. I made deals with God on Sunday morning and was back into it by Sunday afternoon. I knew I was going to take a fall, certainly be found out, lose my reputation, any ministry credibility that I might have and worst I knew I would lose my wife. What to do?

I was crying out God about it and had the distinct communication "that if my eye offended me then I should pluck it out...if my hand offended me I should cut it off"  Drastic! I took this to mean that I was to get off the internet and stay off.  Almost as soon as I agreed with God and was preparing to remove my connection, my web master for my business walked in and said, "hey Ned, have you heard about internet filtering?" I had not told him about my problem or anyone for that matter...so I coolly asked him what he was talking about. He described a program that could keep me out of porn sites, something that would block me even if I tried to get to them. At that time these were provider based and we had no connection to the service so my friend hacked me in so that I could try it...it was wonderful, a relief of enormous proportion. After about a week they discovered me and kicked me off their service and wouldn't let me back. What to do? The porn was back but I knew there was a solution.....so since I am an activist, I decided that if I could not get their protection then I would provide it for myself and for others. So Wisechoice Internet Filtering was born. www.wisechoice.net. A filter designed to protect adults not pretending that the issue was only about kids. A filter that did not give an "adult override password" because adults were the ones with the problem!

Little did I know that I had turned a corner in my life in which I would become an expert in internet pornography, in the traps, in the curse, in the power and that I would be spending the last twelve years keeping myself and thousands of others out of internet porn, hopefully saving their marriages, maybe even their lives.

In this blog I am going to tell stories of folks that I have met and some of the things that I have learned and experienced. I am not cured of this problem but I have learned to control it and would love to share how I have done it...You are not alone even though it may seem that way....feel free to contact me.

WWW.WISECHOICE.NET