Another one bites the dust,,,could this marriage be saved?

So, it's happened again. We have some friends who have been together for decades...I mean they have made some history together over the years and are well known and liked in the community. As relationships often do, this one seemed to begin to grow cold.

Soon there was no intimacy, both sexual and relation ship types of intimacy. A coldness began creeping in and so another lady friend suggested to the spouse that may Roger (we will call him that) might be into pornography.

" NO WAY!" Said our spouse Tory, "porn has never been in our house." But her friend persisted and one early morning while Roger was out deer hunting she took a look at his laptop. She typed in Ctrl H and the history popped up. Pages and pages of porn sites. Hundreds of them. Chat rooms, web cams. Everything. Tory was stunned and deeply wounded.

Later that day, after Roger came home Tory confronted him at which time he came clean. He said he didn't know how he even got started with it but it was so easy to access and it was free that he just found himself sinking into it. Roger begged her forgiveness, promising that he would quit going to porn sites...but he didn't.

Two weeks later a check of his history showed that he was back at it. More apologies, more forgiveness, more promised...followed by more porn. Over a period of six months the cycle repeated itself, promises and lies, lies and more lies.

Finally Tory had had enough and made the ultimatum. Either they got counseling or he was going to have to get out...so he left.

The addictive power of porn was so outrageously string that Roger chose his porn over his wife and twenty years of history. He refused to talk to a counselor or anything. He just got out.

Porn use is destroying relationships at a staggering rate. Families are being broken up by what people describe as harmless.

Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Thanks for reading this and if you have questions then email me at ned@wisechoice.net and we can talk it over.

Kicked Him to the Curb!

I was listening to a radio call in show today as a man was be-moaning the fact that his wife had thrown him out of the house because of his porn use. " I told her that I had turned over a new leaf and that I wouldn't do it again...but why wouldn't she forgive me?" Her answer was that, sure, she would forgive him but she wasn't going to believe him.

This is an old story and one that is familiar to many wives. Husband is busted for using Internet porn, wife is devastated and he promises to be good. Two months later he is busted again (probably by the porn pop ups all over the computer screen). Once again she is devastated, feeling betrayed. Another couple of months pass and she finds even more porn on the computer. This time she wonders what she has done wrong, has she gotten too old and fat. This time she doesn't even mention it to her husband but talks it over with her lady friends. It turns out that most of them has had similar experiences but they all thought they were alone.

If anyone has ever been around a group of ladies who realized that they were all being wronged by their men then you know that there was about to be hell to pay. The lady of this story, we will call her Heather, agreed with the girls that she would give him one more chance to change his evil ways. She realized that this was his problem and not hers. Heather went to her husband once again and was tearfully assured that he was through with all of the porn, that  God had gotten him through this, he even went to a seminar for help...."OK said Heather, last chance....."

You can guess the next thing. Husband is back into it almost immediately. This time Heather didn't even bother to confront him, instead she got a lawyer, had the locks changed and set his bags on the curb....along with his computer.

This is such a recurring tale. Porn use is the fastest growing cause for divorce in America. Most of us guys really would like to be good, we don't want to lose our families but we keep going right back to the vomit until we lose it all. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to stay clear of porn and have our wives believe it. There is a way!

It is called accountability reporting. This is a neat little software that will store your surfing history where you can't erase it and which will give your wife or counselor access to see. Some of these softwares will actually send a text or email if it appears that we are trying to surf to a porn sites. Imagine the thought that your wife was getting a text message that you were searching for porn. NO THANKS!

That is in fact the key to the process. No one wants to be busted by their wives or friends. The Bible says that where there is light the darkness must flee. It is the rare husband who will surf to porn sites in full view of his wife. Some  You can add filtering to it as well which will help with the "accidental" porn site from popping up.
Some of the more powerful accountability programs include  wisechoice.net or xxxchurch. They are inexpensive and effective.

By the way, the husband in our story did not get his family back, no happy ending to this story...

 

When Pastors Use Porn- a real story

A leader of a huge ministry told me that fully 40% of ministers that go to his meetings have confessed that their greatest personal struggle is with using Internet pornography.

Here is a quick account from a pastor from our discussion board... http://www.wisechoice.net/discuss

"It is so sick that as a pastor that I must pretend to be cleaner and less sinful than other men. if I were to come clean to my congregation I would lose my job.

I have finally found another pastor friend that I have been able to get into an accountability relationship. We have both put filters on our computers and activated the accountability reporting. It has changed everything knowing that my brother will call me if he gets a notification that I am falling...the same for him.

The joke is that when people ask why there is a filter on the church computers I tell them , "that you never know who might be coming into the church and use the computers to access pornography.....oh well."

Some years ago another pastor of a prominent church was caught by his elder board and kicked out for using pornography. The church had a wonderful tracking program on the computers but did not have any filtering. The sense of it was that ministers must put their pants on differently than other people yet those of us that understand spiritual warfare know that ministers are not only human but that they are a particularly big target that the enemy loves to destroy.

Maybe if we were to bring the subject of porn use in the church into the light then perhaps we could encourage each other to do something about it. If we were all pro-actively installing protection on our computers then perhaps the the pastors and the 50% of the men in the congregations using porn would have a way out.  That's right-50% of Christian men who use the the Internet are using porn...

So what are we going to do about it? If history tells us any thing, the answer is, "nothing".

About the Author:

Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Will my Husband Choose Porn Over Me-One Woman's Experience

This taken from our discussion board at http://discuss.wisechoice.net 



I know EXACTLY how you feel! I caught my husband viewing internet porn in August 2007. I was asleep that night, and like numerous other nights, he was not in bed with me. He stayed up all night looking at who knows what on the computer, and when I asked him, he said he was reading sports. Anyway, this particular night, I had a terrible dream. In my dream, a woman was walking down my street toward my house with a big black dog. She was coming toward our house, and I went inside and closed the door. The dog was so scary. He had a really long tongue and hundreds of teeth. So, I fought with myself to wake up. I went into the bathroom and put cold water on my face so that I would not go back into the dream. Well, I went back to bed, and picked the dream right back up where I left off! So, in the dream, I am in my house and the doorbell rings. When I answered the door, it was that woman and the dog! But here is the terrifying thing about the dream: the woman was naked. I remember slamming the door, and then I woke up. I got up out of bed to go tell my husband about my disturbing dream, and as I walked down the hallway toward the room where our computer is, there the woman was on the computer screen!!! You can imagine my horror when I approached the man that I have loved and cared for all of these years, built a life and family with, sitting there gawking at a woman having sex on a computer screen. I flipped out. I pulled the plugs and cords out of the wall and dared him to touch that computer again. I eventually bought filtering software, but he got angry when I put time limits on it. I have had him in counseling with three different pastors (he is still seeing two of them) and I even had one of them tell me that part of this is my fault because I do not "support" him the way that I should. (I sure would like to know what else he thinks I can do!) I have bought books; I even found a sexual purity support group for him to go to. He went for a while, but did not like it and quit.

So, now I have all the computers password protected and I keep my iPad where he cannot find it. I have parental blocks on both tv's (because I caught him watching porn one night while I was in bed asleep beside him) and I have just basically given up on his ever getting delivered. He is 56 years old, and he says that he has been hooked on porn since he was 8. He has been involved with this stuff all of his life! I told him that if he had told me we could have worked through this together, but porn addiction is almost like drug addiction. The addict will do whatever he has to do to get his fix. My concern now is for my two nine year old daughters and my six year old son. I want to think that he would not molest my children, but I will not take a chance. I have been talking to them about their bodies and about how NO ONE, not even their pediatrician or their daddy, should do anything to their bodies that they do not like. I recently had to turn down a ladies retreat weekend because I could not leave my children alone with him.

I wish I had a solution for you. I will tell you for sure that he will choose the porn over you. He has no sensibility when it comes to what he loves vs. what he is addicted to...he is going to need that fix and there will be nothing that you can say or do that will stop him. I know this because I have been living with it for almost six years now, and I have always had to be the one to get the help for him. Until he wants to get delivered, he will not. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about that.

There is, however, something that you can do for you. If you do not want porn coming into your home, then put a filter on the computers, and make sure that he does not get access to the password. Put parental controls on your television(s) if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to protect your children, if you have them.

Also, you need healing. I have not found any support groups in my area for wives who have been devastated by this demonic issue, but there are lots of resources out there that can give you comfort and healing in your heart as you try to move past this. As long as he is addicted, he is not going to show any remorse, and waiting for him to show it is only going to make you more and more miserable. If he wants to leave you, let him. You need to do what is best for you at this point. This is not your fault, but he will make you feel as though it is because he will lash out at you every time you try to talk to him about it. So, tell him if he wants help you will support him, but put your foot down about the porn in your home, and if he cannot live without it, then let him go and live somewhere else.

I am reading a book right now called "Sex and Money" by Paul David Tripp. Mr. Tripp will confirm some of the things that I have shared with you in his book. Change comes from deep in the heart, and if there is no change in the heart, then giving up internet porn will be next to impossible. There is also a fantastic book in the market called "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy. This book will help you to understand how your husband and many other men became addicted in the first place. There are two other books that I would recommend: "Every Man's Battle", and "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Mr. Stoeker was addicted to porn himself and gives his testimony about how he told his wife, and the healing that took place in both their lives as a result of his confession and change of heart. I have read all of the books that I am recommending, so I know the perspective that you will have once you read them for yourself.

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this. I do not wish this pain on even my worst enemy. I have gone from being suicidal to binge eating to being so deeply depressed that I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I have gained weight and lost weight. I have gone to the extreme in almost everything I have done. I tried to soothe my broken heart with shopping, traveling, obessessig over my children, you name it....I tried it! But nothing will heal your heart except turning it over to the Lord, giving HIm complete control and asking Him to take the hurt, disappointment, shame, frustration, humiliation, and anger away from you. If you do not have a close girlfriend with whom you can share your personal situations in confidence, then I suggest you find a Godly older woman in your church that you can trust and let her be a support system for you. You are going to need it if you are ever going to heal. God bless you and I pray that the Lord will heal your hurt sooner rather than later, and that your husband will get delivered and set free from this bondage, so that he can be the husband God called him to be.

About Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available. 

One woman's story about discovering her husband's pornography use

This is an excerpt from our discussion board at http://discuss.wisechoice.net

Hello all,

I'm new here...and in a lot of pain. :

I discovered in December that my husband was looking at porn on the internet. He said he felt ashamed and was very sorry he hurt me. I was devastated because if you knew my husband, you would think he was the last man on earth who would do that. He was (or so I thought) such a moral and upstanding person in every way. For the first time in my life, I thought I could truly trust a man in that area. Boy was I wrong!

He admitted to nothing, (except what he couldn't deny cos I saw it) He alternated between being sorry and then deflecting the blame onto me... 'what about what youve done wrong etc etc...'. Then he just got really angry that i hacked into his computer to see what he was up to. (He had a password on his computer) He was more angry about that than hurting me in the end. But I love him and so I decided to trust again, although he didn't give me much reason to.. I thought it was better for me that way. We had some massive arguments about it. Then I let it go.

I have been away a number of times since then, he's had plenty of opportunity and i always wondered... but didnt want to go there. But lately he'd been acting strange again. He would turn the computer screens off as soon as i walked in the room. He LOOKED guilty. He was on the Internet a couple of nights ago but when i checked the browsing history, there was nothing. He is using in Privacy mode... so nothing is tracked but IP addresses. Well, there were some IP addresses in his history. Also, the last time I caught him, there were jpgs in the history along with the cookies... this time there is only cookies, and none were porn sites. So he was in Private browsing mode.

I KNOW he is doing it again. I confronted him last night and he looked at me wide eyed. Didn't respond straight away... said nothing as i said over and over... 'I know you're looking at porn again'.
He is an IT specialist so probably thought he covered his tracks pretty well. I am disgusted that this is all i am to him. He didn't deny it.

I am so hurt that when he saw how much he hurt and betrayed me and all the tears that last time, that all he does is get sneakier. He seems to think if I don't know, it won't hurt or that it's HIS right... I don't know.

After the initial stunned, guilty silence... he started getting really angry. He got furious then left... came back later and took his computer. Told me i was never to touch his Sh** again. NO remorse.... all about HIM. He used aggression and anger to silence me and then turned it all on me because he is starting a new job on Monday and said he didnt need this now, he needed support, that he's moving out etc etc.

Bad timing, I know... but I'M NOT the one who's done anything wrong!!! I can't beleive it!!

He stayed out last night. Didn't come home.

I know that this needs to be sorted out. But I don't know if he wants to give it up. He lies, denies, shifts blame and admits to nothing. He is so angry at me right now and I'm the one who should be angry at him!! I can't do this again unless he gets help or does something. He doesn't seem to care whether I trust him or not now. Most of the time he is the most wonderful husband in the world and I thought he really loved me. But If I give him an ultimatum, I am scared he will choose the porn.... I thought we had such a great marriage.

I'm devastated.... :-(

About Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Sexual revolution in India...a horror story

India is in the throes of wondering how a formerly conservative culture is now the subject of rampant violent gang rape and an enormous sex industry...what is happening?

I was a student in Bangalore India is 1966. We were free love "hippies of the sixties" and we found ourselves in the most sexually conservative environment we could imagine. The simply act of holding hands in public would bring on a stern rebuke from older Indians. Pornography was not visible and the movies were strictly trimmed of any sexual content.

Although there was prostitution it was totally secret and involved only the lowest caste women. So what has happened in India in just a few decades to the point that Mumbai, formerly Bombay has an enormous sex trade and equally skyrocketing AIDS epidemic. What has happened that gangs of men are assaulting women on buses and most recently foreign tourists. What has changed?

Movies are still conservative and families are still careful with their daughters yet all of India is no accessing the Internet and Internet porn use is rampant there as it is here. I think it is a safe assumption that the rapes will continue to rise, the sex trade to explode and child pornography will become a serious issue in the next few years as the porn culture of the net takes hold...just look at America.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I operate an Internet filtering company at wisechoice.net. I am trying to blow the trumpet that Internet porn use often releases behaviors that we never could have imagined. How could so many school teachers and police be tied up with child porn . Men are having behaviors triggered that are ruining their lives and those whom they associate with simply by having a diet of Internet porn. Do yourselves and society a favor and self censor yourself. Install filtering and accountability reporting. keep the flame of pornography away from the emotional dynamite that many of us have inside ourselves.

About the author: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.

Ebay and Me

 Every day I receive Google Alerts on shopping addictions. The weird thing is that most of them act as though this is cute. This morning I saw an article about a celebrity talking about her Ebay shopping addiction and then shared her favorite Ebay shops.

A close friend of ours had an Ebay addiction but it wasn't cute. Whenever she was bored or mad or felt depressed she'd ease on over to Ebay and shop. A little here, a amazing deal there and soon she was in deep credit card trouble.

Not only in credit card trouble but in real family trouble. Seems that her husband didn't know about the maxed out $10,000 card...or the other cards that she opened to pay to keep up with the minimum payments on the big card. Of course she then found discovered that she could buy stuff with the new cards....how do you spell divorce? How do you spell personal bankruptcy. All from a little Ebay addiction.

I know I am speaking to folks this morning who share this little problem. Did you know that Internet filtering like www.wisechoice.net can help. Filters are not just about porn. They can block categories for shopping or if Ebay is your only problem site you can block just ebay. Wisechoice costs about 14 cents a day. Did I says 14 cents?  You will be able to get all your usual places except where you have trouble.

It might save your marriage, your family, your finances....take a look and see..