This taken from our discussion board at http://discuss.wisechoice.net
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I caught my husband viewing internet porn in August 2007. I was asleep that night, and like numerous other nights, he was not in bed with me. He stayed up all night looking at who knows what on the computer, and when I asked him, he said he was reading sports. Anyway, this particular night, I had a terrible dream. In my dream, a woman was walking down my street toward my house with a big black dog. She was coming toward our house, and I went inside and closed the door. The dog was so scary. He had a really long tongue and hundreds of teeth. So, I fought with myself to wake up. I went into the bathroom and put cold water on my face so that I would not go back into the dream. Well, I went back to bed, and picked the dream right back up where I left off! So, in the dream, I am in my house and the doorbell rings. When I answered the door, it was that woman and the dog! But here is the terrifying thing about the dream: the woman was naked. I remember slamming the door, and then I woke up. I got up out of bed to go tell my husband about my disturbing dream, and as I walked down the hallway toward the room where our computer is, there the woman was on the computer screen!!! You can imagine my horror when I approached the man that I have loved and cared for all of these years, built a life and family with, sitting there gawking at a woman having sex on a computer screen. I flipped out. I pulled the plugs and cords out of the wall and dared him to touch that computer again. I eventually bought filtering software, but he got angry when I put time limits on it. I have had him in counseling with three different pastors (he is still seeing two of them) and I even had one of them tell me that part of this is my fault because I do not "support" him the way that I should. (I sure would like to know what else he thinks I can do!) I have bought books; I even found a sexual purity support group for him to go to. He went for a while, but did not like it and quit.
So, now I have all the computers password protected and I keep my iPad where he cannot find it. I have parental blocks on both tv's (because I caught him watching porn one night while I was in bed asleep beside him) and I have just basically given up on his ever getting delivered. He is 56 years old, and he says that he has been hooked on porn since he was 8. He has been involved with this stuff all of his life! I told him that if he had told me we could have worked through this together, but porn addiction is almost like drug addiction. The addict will do whatever he has to do to get his fix. My concern now is for my two nine year old daughters and my six year old son. I want to think that he would not molest my children, but I will not take a chance. I have been talking to them about their bodies and about how NO ONE, not even their pediatrician or their daddy, should do anything to their bodies that they do not like. I recently had to turn down a ladies retreat weekend because I could not leave my children alone with him.
I wish I had a solution for you. I will tell you for sure that he will choose the porn over you. He has no sensibility when it comes to what he loves vs. what he is addicted to...he is going to need that fix and there will be nothing that you can say or do that will stop him. I know this because I have been living with it for almost six years now, and I have always had to be the one to get the help for him. Until he wants to get delivered, he will not. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about that.
There is, however, something that you can do for you. If you do not want porn coming into your home, then put a filter on the computers, and make sure that he does not get access to the password. Put parental controls on your television(s) if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to protect your children, if you have them.
Also, you need healing. I have not found any support groups in my area for wives who have been devastated by this demonic issue, but there are lots of resources out there that can give you comfort and healing in your heart as you try to move past this. As long as he is addicted, he is not going to show any remorse, and waiting for him to show it is only going to make you more and more miserable. If he wants to leave you, let him. You need to do what is best for you at this point. This is not your fault, but he will make you feel as though it is because he will lash out at you every time you try to talk to him about it. So, tell him if he wants help you will support him, but put your foot down about the porn in your home, and if he cannot live without it, then let him go and live somewhere else.
I am reading a book right now called "Sex and Money" by Paul David Tripp. Mr. Tripp will confirm some of the things that I have shared with you in his book. Change comes from deep in the heart, and if there is no change in the heart, then giving up internet porn will be next to impossible. There is also a fantastic book in the market called "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy. This book will help you to understand how your husband and many other men became addicted in the first place. There are two other books that I would recommend: "Every Man's Battle", and "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Mr. Stoeker was addicted to porn himself and gives his testimony about how he told his wife, and the healing that took place in both their lives as a result of his confession and change of heart. I have read all of the books that I am recommending, so I know the perspective that you will have once you read them for yourself.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this. I do not wish this pain on even my worst enemy. I have gone from being suicidal to binge eating to being so deeply depressed that I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I have gained weight and lost weight. I have gone to the extreme in almost everything I have done. I tried to soothe my broken heart with shopping, traveling, obessessig over my children, you name it....I tried it! But nothing will heal your heart except turning it over to the Lord, giving HIm complete control and asking Him to take the hurt, disappointment, shame, frustration, humiliation, and anger away from you. If you do not have a close girlfriend with whom you can share your personal situations in confidence, then I suggest you find a Godly older woman in your church that you can trust and let her be a support system for you. You are going to need it if you are ever going to heal. God bless you and I pray that the Lord will heal your hurt sooner rather than later, and that your husband will get delivered and set free from this bondage, so that he can be the husband God called him to be.
About Ned Dominick: Since 1998 after nearly falling into this same trap I began to hunt for solutions for porn use by adults. I came up with a combination of a filtering technology and accountability reporting called Wisechoice.net. Rather than a solution designed for guarding children, Wisechoice is designed to protect husbands and marriages from porn. The addictive properties are such that putting a wall around ones self is often the only way short of getting rid of the computer entirely and it is effective. I would suggest checking our solution out or one of the other filters available.
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